A Tortured Mind
by ileebsfm
Summary: Kate experiences more inner turmoil concerning her relationship with Castle and the effects of PTSD!


**A Tortured Mind**

This was written around the time of Demons S4E06 and is in fact a dream within a dream! It is a tortured nightmare. The type we all experience, hopefully not often, that swings from the bizarre to the funny to the plain ridiculous but is in a sense a real expression of inner turmoil. From the very first word, Kate is dreaming and "real time" is when she finally wakes in the last paragraph. The piece touches on several complex issues for Kate; her ongoing PTSD, her inner struggles about her relationship with Rick, her despair at ever finding happiness, and so much more. Hope you "get it" and it's not too freaky.

* * *

><p><strong>A Tortured Mind<strong>

Kate was adamant that Rick Castle was not for her. No way, even though he ticked most of the requisite boxes for a life partner; ruggedly handsome, wealthy, sensitive, charming, consistent if somewhat quirky, empathetic, and available. She did not even care that his mother lived with him and he was twice divorced with a daughter Alexis aged 17. For her, the one debilitating factor, most important of all, was that he was only four feet tall. A proper short-arse. While this could be helpful for certain sex acts undertaken in the privacy of the bedroom, it was not an equitable or attractive public display of partnership given that she was five feet ten inches tall. Such a huge discrepancy would attract curiosity usually reserved for circus performers and Kate did not want to expose Castle to this. At least that's what she told herself.

Kate had considered various ways in which the height difference could be addressed. With rapid advancements in medical technology, the notion of stretching limbs, breaking limbs and inserting "filler" bones to gain height, or even making herself shorter, were all possibilities. Clearly, any such surgical procedures would be at the cutting edge with inherent risks. But if the chemistry and love connection was there, she mused, then perhaps it was worth the effort. It was all futile however. Kate had already discounted shortening her height as this would mean leaving the NYPD. It is difficult to imagine criminals succumbing to the commands of "Detective Dwarf" and in any case, there was a departmental height restriction of five feet six inches. As for Castle becoming taller, she dismissed her musings as mere fantasy, unrealistic and unattainable. She was relieved she stopped herself from sharing them with Lanie at the Old Haunt last night. The acceptance that height adjustment was a non-starter, caused pangs of despair and regret to course through Kate's very being. A lonely tear slid slowly down her left cheek before being obliterated violently by a swipe from her right hand. In her heart of hearts, though, Kate knew the real question was not one of height but rather, did she love Castle unconditionally. Did she adore him in a bubble where all the songs made sense. Everyone else who saw them together certainly thought so.

"Fuck no" Kate thought, while marinating in the hot tub Castle had fitted into her apartment. "I aint afraid of no short man!" She knocked back her sixth shot of tequila in as many minutes as she flicked through his latest novel Short Heat in the musky candlelight. "I aint afraid of no four foot dood!" Except that I am she reflected. Seriously, Castle was everything a woman could want and under "higher" circumstances, she would be on him like black on Obama. But uggghh, he was too short. And while on that subject, she thought, what else on his body is likely to be too short? As Kate succumbed to the effects of the alcohol, she remembered that when she was in his presence, Castle always appeared six feet tall and growing. Height was never an issue when they were together; only when they were apart. What people thought or felt about the two of them held no power over her. In fact, her eyes at times openly challenged others for a hint of derision in their voice tones or facial expressions. The crew at the Twelfth though was unadulterated in their acceptance of both the official and unofficial relationship dynamic present between Beckett and Castle. Kate felt they all saw a Caskett relationship as inevitable (yes she knew they were "shipping" them as if they were on a real television show). Indeed, when Castle looked at her with those puppy dog eyes and adoring stares, she felt like doing him on the spot. The attraction and the chemistry were unmistakable but unfortunately she could not see past his small stature.

Kate awoke with a startle to see Castle's face moving slowly towards hers. His clear intention was to swallow her whole face. His protruding tongue targeted her ever widening mouth as she prepared to unleash an almighty scream. Rick's face resembled a shark icon she had seen on twitter recently and the distortion was made more bizarre as he was advancing from a height of only four feet. It seemed like a picture out of a horror movie, all lips, teeth and tongue. Kate instinctively reached under her pillow for her gun and yelled "Castle, what are you doing here? Stop! You can't just turn up here and try and kiss me dood. What are you thinking?" With panic surging through her body, she fired point blank into what was a monstrous mouth with lips as big as car tyres, a tongue like an inflatable bed and teeth like the blades of a timber saw. "Kate!" Rick yelled "Kate! Wake up! You're dreaming about the killer-dwarf you shot and killed again. Sssshhh . . . sssshhh . . . . It's okay Katie. I'm home now. Lay in my arms my darling. It's okay. I've only been gone for two hours. I'm here now Katie. Go back to sleep." Kate let the tension ease from her body and slowly curled into Castle's six-foot frame and held him tightly. After several minutes her breathing evened out and she drifted off into a peaceful deep sleep.

It was a full thirty minutes before Castle released Kate, stood and placed the bedcovers over her. He undressed and slid in next to her. As he too tried to find sleep, he reflected that in the morning she would wake early as usual and plant a kiss on his mouth. He would pretend to still be asleep before tackling her and starting the day as only a couple madly in love can. After breakfast the writer and his muse would head to the Twelfth and lean into the challenges of another day dealing with the perpetrators and victims of homicide. At some point they would talk about the recurring nightmares and Kate would make a time to see the Police therapist. As the episode tonight was the first in over four weeks, the process would be routine. Things were pretty much back to normal and Rick wondered whether it was now appropriate to broach the subject of making Castle babies. Kate's left arm flung across his chest and her left leg straddled his as she snuggled closer. Castle's eyes lit up as he felt himself respond to her warm body. In a sing-song tone he whispered "Aaah've got moooovement!" He reached towards her.

The piercing shriek of the alarm woke Kate sharply from her uneasy sleep and she snatched her gun from beneath the pillow while launching herself quickly from her empty bed. There was work to do and not a moment to waste!

* * *

><p><strong>I had FUN writing this and lmaooo heaps but it's quite dark and the use of height to highlight Kate's tortured mind is complex and somewhat bizarre. It suggests that while love and chemistry is definitely present, there is still some distance to go before it can be made a reality. Indeed, Kate's options to solve the "issues" by considering shortening herself or making Castle taller shows how futile she sees an ongoing relationship. It's just not possible, is it? There's more stuff in there, for example Rick calling her "Katie" which is the pet name her dad uses, but I'll leave it there for now! May develop into further story?<strong>


End file.
